My mum suddenly "mengigau" just an hours ago...
since my father is not home as he went on his tabligh thing...
I wake her up and massage her until she went back to sleep....
& I stay there a bit more to make sure she is okay..
staring at her sleeping face....listening to her profound breathing..
I trace the line and curve on her face...
as in sleep there come to the surface all the biological traits..
yess...indeed...the line of aging is now obvious...wrinkles and grey hair..
my mom is getting old...she is 49 turning 50....
and I was reflected on her rant...which never hit me before...
since I was away in college for this sem...she said she's always tired..
no one to massage her...no one to hear her story and rant...
no one to help with house chores....
b4 I always tell her the same excuse...
"that its time for my younger sister to learn taking part of my responsibilities..."
"and is not that Im not going back during weekend..."
but I guess its not the same now...
although my mom is now healing but the arthritis still have an effect on her..
she cant no longer move smoothly and actively as b4..
I see that my lazy sister is juggling with her hectic school life..
she is changing herself....that I see and very glad of it..
and felt sorry for not being there and help wif house chores
still....
I selfishly not stay at house
and took all the privileged given for granted
I admit that Im no - smart person
but denying to study is just plain stupid either
already in 3rd year and I'm screwed
never before I doubted myself so much
The world move and evolve clockwise
But my mind seem to move anti-clockwise lately
and maybe for the first time I fears what will come to me on future
there is lots of worrying to do one study is over..
which I did not have any clues..
for I am no fortune teller...
even if I made a promise there is no conformation..
I'll be able to realize it..
what kind of horrible sinner am I...
selfishly do things in my stupid way disregagarding the consequence..
bluntly failed in fulfilling expectation of loved ones..
a bad ass egoist who dont have enough courage to apologize directly
Silencely I kissed mom's forehead and hands
Silencely apologizing...I whispered in my heart dat....
however bad or in mess I might be in future..
I'll try as hard as I might...
as far as Im alive
not to let all the wrinkles and grey hair spent worrying over me go to waste..
for I hope everything is not too late...
even if I have to render everything in my life fully for her and him...
as mom's went into deep slumber
I switch off the lamp and get back to my romm
hoping that promise and guilt will stay fresh in my head
even in 10 years of time
as Im no more than a normal human that tend to forget things...easily
I kinda understand now why a friends of mine once told that he never wished to marry as his parents is the world in which he vowed to protect and care for all his life.
