The diary of a nobody - Day 1

30^th August 2011 –   Today on the very first day of Raya eve I’ve decided to challenge myself to write a diary for myself...maybe not consistently; honestly, as I am not a consistent person and never be one either. So with a dismal hope , I will  try my best to commit for 30- days diaries writing challenge. Lol. Its kind of awkward to suddenly update your blog after a year of absence.

This might not have been my very first attempt. I first start writing a diaries at a very young age when I was 10 but decided to stop due to an unpleasant experience or so if I recall.

What is the use of diaries? I kept pondering.....

A diaries might be handy for someone who is as forgetful as me. A diaries is like a treasure chest that kept your thought and memories but unfortunately this is not like a Aladdin or Sinbad tales where the treasure chest is safely guarded by a scary monster and hidden in a sunken caves deep in the desert or forest.

Be warn that your diaries are very much accessible to your surrounding people...be it your families, friends , loved ones or cats... meowww..purr

and if in any chance this people read through your diaries and figure out the real thought or feelings you have on someone or on a particular subject/ event........you’ll be doomed.........you’ll be embarrassed to the point that you hope the messenger of death will just come over and take your life....whoossshh... (coz it’s a sin to kill yourself....lol)

Well, when I first wrote my diaries no one had given me any caveat and eventually I let a friend read mine ..... and until now I just can’t forget the expression and the laughter that burst out. OMG........I feel like dying that time...my face turn as red as cherry those day when I was fairer..(now da gelap mcm negro).... (= _ =)>

On a second note, it might also muddled up your relationship with your diaries subject. Imagine if the same person who you writing are about are the one who read your diaries....  ohhh...scary!!!...and embarrassing still...

So now as a matured and grown up girl turning to woman (unlikely)....Ive came up with few solutions and rule for diaries writing :-

1. Never reveal your own or anyone identities on your diaries (don’t even try to use a real name, or even share your background like workplace or residential area )
2. Go for e-diaries it is much more safer than having them lying around the house. (Lock your laptop all the times to avoid privacy invasions)

A simple rules that might keep your relationship healthy despite whatever complaint or comment you wrote on them unknowingly.......hehe!!

I know I sounds stupid...u dont have to imply it ...haih

Well, I haven’t take any bath yet and so latter guys!!

--------- L---------O-------S--------T---------

Month had pass and a lot of things is going......thesis - correction - jobless - work - convo - grad - work back - work sucks...(T___T)....simple yet its a long story and I'm a lazy person who is even more lazier to type...

Just to mark this again......I'm officially a graduate from University Malaya.........yeay!!..(alhamdulillah)...its done but the road does not end but instead it started here....If before I was on a lane or a federal road....now I'm about to enter the highway and destination is something that you must be clear with...........

b'coz u  noe why??...

1. highway is a oneway track....
2. is a fast pace world...gotta be carfull not to be too caught up

3. the next junction is far n u will get into a sticky situation (STUCK3x!!)

4. wasted..( ur life is not a waste to be dump...fail or lost and u will pay in pain)

First off, I ought to extend my highest regards and thanks to all d people involve in making it possible  for me to hold d ''mock scroll'' 4th of August 2010. All my thanks and gratitude goes to Allah the almighty, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my teachers, faculty staff and also the ptptn guy who approve the loan ( tho soon I might get a call from them due to payment negligence ....hehehe).

Before the convo I was all hyped  about the future. I had a vision set in mind. I had a dream. I thought I knew where I was going all along. But now when I look back I felt kinda scared and not sure bout myself. Getting a job is one thing but getting a good paid job or a passionate job is another thing. What more on the confusion whether to continue the study and the hope off d far future on starting a business on my own......

Now that u r more exposed to reality I can say this.....money-honey...where r u??

Bwahahahahaha

At 23 in age of course I don't have the privilege to squander notwithstanding the circumstance....I opt to be more practical and see how things will go...lucky flexibility is one of my many robustness....

 It’s time to get your head out of the sand. The days where all you needed was a college degree to get a job are LONG GONE.

 Just because you got a degree or graduate from a prestigious university, it doesn’t entitle you to a six figure job, with full benefits, a one month paid vacation to a company retreat,a corner office, and a parking spot in front of the doors with your name on it. 

 Dream on if you think 

high paying job will fall squarely into your lap. 

So plish think back on the graduation. Remember your fellow classmates graduating with you? They too got degrees. Now, think of the thousand other graduations across the nation that occurred in the same month and year. They got degrees too. What’s going to separate you from them? Why should employers hire you instead of all the other clones? You must learn to differentiate yourself. What can you offer that these other people can’t?

Yes, I can fairly said that experience is important and so is the other soft skills u had taken up in r entire educational life. Build your confidence, polish up your brain, mouth, hand and legs,and do be extra wiser in choosing a suitable career for your own sake. Be smart people!! Stay awake and rise up from your college daze...

Because there are the smart people out there... 

the ones who had not been affected by this "college daze", and made sure the time they spent in school would separate them from the students who were still “asleep”. You know exactly who these smart people are. They're the ones who took the internships, the unpaid jobs, who made network contacts, and spent their days and nights gaining valuable working experience and marketable skills. Or there are people who had work extra hard to gain compromising academic results to open up a course towards higher academic opportunity and there are aso people who spent their night sleepless sending thousand of applications in order to secured a job faster than you. 

Im not writing these for anyone else but as a reminder for myself not to be too much caught up and drown. It’s not enough to put your future in the hands of an educational institution or even your current employer if you already working. It’s time to stop blaming the world. It’s time to take personal responsibility and to have the courage to shape your future with your own hands.

Enuff said..

Mouldy dusty rusty blog, where have d owner been?

Its been like years months since the last time the blog was last updated or checked by the owner. Well, its not like anyone would give a damn care for the disappearance of little germs like her in d blogging world. But I guess it did raise public peer curiousity as to know the reason why d blog had turn out hideously grimy……(owwhh….mushroom were even spot to be sprouting everywhere and spider web pop- up in almost every corner….waat?...u cant see them..owh then maybe sore loser like u hv little less imagination than me…hahahaha…no offense..lol)

As to answer all the public peers curious concern, d “missin blogger” had been summon to attend a talkshow host by the not so clever dim-witted owner of d blog which is herself….n here Im welcoming myself into the talk show…give a big applaud everyone…(spotlight trailing my figure as I walk in with much pride…haha)

Me : thank kiu…ten kiu…ten kiu….(waving as I sit down with grinning smile)

Host : Its an honour to have u for tonight. Err…before we proceed can I call u retard? So dat we are

          more familiarized with each other.

Me : Owh…sure. U can call me whatever u like coz u are me n I were u….dim witted!! Just to note, 

        Ive come here to clarify things so just go n shoot whatever question u feel like it. Bring it on.

Host : Than Ill start wif d warm up question. Did u like to brag?...coz I sense u like doing so…aren’t u?

           ...dats why u write d whole crap in english rite…

Me : ahahaha. Come again?...did I misheard dat…lol..no..its nonononono thing…well I guess d reason

        its dat my english sucks n I wanted to see to what extend I can write ….n get off with it. How much 

        it can improve me.. Im not good in speaking either n I figure I’ll do better writing than speaking. 

        Dats is why...owh…as for bm….i guess Im way to pro n familiar with it n so I don’t see need any 

        space of improvement for it….haha…but just so u know…I got A1 for bm for spm…hohoho…

         aren’t dat great? (fake laugh with audience puking as background)

Host : Well I guess ur last statement prove dat my sense is right. U do like to brag. Heh.Flick2. 

           Listen retard. I love the chit chat butu bored everyone out. Lets just cut-off to core issue as                            why u  have been called up here?

Me : Bout dat. Well Im so happy dat d public peer were so concern of me. Tenk kiu , really. Well as for 

        the disappearance….Ive actually…kind of forget dat I own a blog coz I found a new obsession                      really…a nice one I can say….although it’s a bit sickening for a bored normal person average guy 

        out   there….(chuckles disgustingly…eye rolling upwards…imagining dat particular obsession Ive 

        been dweelin d couple of month)….hahaha….guess wat….its very addictive…u guys should try doing

        it too….this new obsession was so great dat u can have all d emotion while u r at it….u can smile…

        u can laugh…u can felt sick….mad….owhh…n it kepts ur little brain busy too…into thinkin wat to 

        write up…how d story line would go…

Host suddenly go berserk bcoz he cant stand with my long pointless babbles n start slapping me violently with 1m/s velocity……the audience turn awwedd..

Host : D heck are u craping. U better lain down the whole dirt. U think u can blind me with ur wishy washy  

          talk?...Just tell me where have u been gone? Speak!!(threatening with malice)

Me   : Alright2. Im sory. I have been too much absorb with www.fanfiction.net . Spent most of my time there.

          Writing my own fiction n reading other people fiction. Critizing n “kutuk”- in other people writing….

           yes2…its been so much fun until I forget the world of blogging…(never been a pationate one oso)…

           u cant imagine how would it feel to rewrite d existing manga/anime/books/movie/comics or anythng dat

            ….blalalalalalala…ooucchh….!!

Host start punching me like a punching bag mercilessly. Streams of unconsciousness slowly drift my mind and babbles away….

Begone for now!!

Weekend

Towards the end of January all the given thought of a new me failed catatstrophically

I am tired of guessing.. De way just turn out differently.. 

I need a breakway.. to rethink on everything 

to the end of this weekend and a newborn me perhaps.. 

i will be back.. definitely in a way to make it work!!!!!! 

might as well work it out .. only me and u know it.. :P

Sudden guilt.......temporarily

My mum suddenly "mengigau" just an hours ago...

since my father is not home as he went on his tabligh thing...

I wake her up and massage her until she went back to sleep....

& I stay there a bit more to make sure she is okay..

staring at her sleeping face....listening to her profound breathing..

I trace the line and curve on her face...

as in sleep there come to the surface all the biological traits..

yess...indeed...the line of aging is now obvious...wrinkles and grey hair..

my mom is getting old...she is 49 turning 50....

and I was reflected on her rant...which never hit me before...

since I was away in college for this sem...she said she's always tired..

no one to massage her...no one to hear her story and rant...

no one to help with house chores....

b4 I always tell her the same excuse...

"that its time for my younger sister to learn taking part of my responsibilities..."

"and is not that Im not going back during weekend..."

but I guess its not the same now...

although my mom is now healing but the arthritis still have an effect on her..

she cant no longer move smoothly and actively as b4..

I see that my lazy sister is juggling with her hectic school life..

she is changing herself....that I see and very glad of it..

and felt sorry for not being there and help wif house chores

still....

I selfishly not stay at house

and took all the privileged given for granted

I admit that Im no - smart person 

but denying to study is just plain stupid either

already in 3rd year and I'm screwed

never before I doubted myself so much

The world move and evolve clockwise

But my mind seem to move anti-clockwise lately

and maybe for the first time I fears what will come to me on future

there is lots of worrying to do one study is over..

which I did not have any clues..

for I am no fortune teller...

even if I made a promise there is no conformation..

I'll be able to realize it..

what kind of horrible sinner am I...

selfishly do things in my stupid way disregagarding the consequence..

bluntly failed in fulfilling expectation of  loved ones..

a bad ass egoist who dont have enough courage to apologize directly

 Silencely I kissed mom's forehead and hands

Silencely apologizing...I whispered in  my heart dat....

however bad or in mess I might be in future..

I'll try as hard as I might...

as far as Im alive

not to let all the wrinkles and grey hair spent worrying over me go to waste..

for I hope everything is not too late...

even if I have to render everything in my life fully for her and him...

as mom's went into deep slumber

I switch off the lamp and get back to my romm

hoping that promise and guilt will stay fresh in my head

even in 10 years of time

as Im no more than a normal human that tend to forget things...easily

I kinda understand now why a friends of mine once told that he never wished to marry as his parents is the world in which he vowed to protect and care for all his life.