Weekend

Towards the end of January all the given thought of a new me failed catatstrophically

I am tired of guessing.. De way just turn out differently.. 

I need a breakway.. to rethink on everything 

to the end of this weekend and a newborn me perhaps.. 

i will be back.. definitely in a way to make it work!!!!!! 

might as well work it out .. only me and u know it.. :P

Sudden guilt.......temporarily

My mum suddenly "mengigau" just an hours ago...

since my father is not home as he went on his tabligh thing...

I wake her up and massage her until she went back to sleep....

& I stay there a bit more to make sure she is okay..

staring at her sleeping face....listening to her profound breathing..

I trace the line and curve on her face...

as in sleep there come to the surface all the biological traits..

yess...indeed...the line of aging is now obvious...wrinkles and grey hair..

my mom is getting old...she is 49 turning 50....

and I was reflected on her rant...which never hit me before...

since I was away in college for this sem...she said she's always tired..

no one to massage her...no one to hear her story and rant...

no one to help with house chores....

b4 I always tell her the same excuse...

"that its time for my younger sister to learn taking part of my responsibilities..."

"and is not that Im not going back during weekend..."

but I guess its not the same now...

although my mom is now healing but the arthritis still have an effect on her..

she cant no longer move smoothly and actively as b4..

I see that my lazy sister is juggling with her hectic school life..

she is changing herself....that I see and very glad of it..

and felt sorry for not being there and help wif house chores

still....

I selfishly not stay at house

and took all the privileged given for granted

I admit that Im no - smart person 

but denying to study is just plain stupid either

already in 3rd year and I'm screwed

never before I doubted myself so much

The world move and evolve clockwise

But my mind seem to move anti-clockwise lately

and maybe for the first time I fears what will come to me on future

there is lots of worrying to do one study is over..

which I did not have any clues..

for I am no fortune teller...

even if I made a promise there is no conformation..

I'll be able to realize it..

what kind of horrible sinner am I...

selfishly do things in my stupid way disregagarding the consequence..

bluntly failed in fulfilling expectation of  loved ones..

a bad ass egoist who dont have enough courage to apologize directly

 Silencely I kissed mom's forehead and hands

Silencely apologizing...I whispered in  my heart dat....

however bad or in mess I might be in future..

I'll try as hard as I might...

as far as Im alive

not to let all the wrinkles and grey hair spent worrying over me go to waste..

for I hope everything is not too late...

even if I have to render everything in my life fully for her and him...

as mom's went into deep slumber

I switch off the lamp and get back to my romm

hoping that promise and guilt will stay fresh in my head

even in 10 years of time

as Im no more than a normal human that tend to forget things...easily

I kinda understand now why a friends of mine once told that he never wished to marry as his parents is the world in which he vowed to protect and care for all his life.

A peek into a novel that I wrote back when I was in form 6..hahaha

My friends just return this one to me after all this years...haha....the storyline starts when Im in form 6 but I actually complete it back durin form 6 years....hehe....well since I was so bored I feel like to post up the prolog chapter here...hahahahaha...Among the story that I wrote before, I like this one best...huhu..no la...I actually like the title best coz it kinda warmth for me...forget it..u guys wint understand me I guess...anyway, tell me if u like it too...hehehe

Abadikan Semalam

Prolog.....

                “ Gemok...masuk tido la. Da pukul bape nie??l!!”

Laung abang bersahaja seraya menjengahkan kepalanya ke luar pintu. Dia tersengih-sengih bagaikan kerang busuk, mempamerkan barisan giginya yang putih dan kemas teratur bagaikan model iklan ubat gigi Darlie.

                “......,” adik hanya diam tanpa  membalas. Berpaling,  tersenyum sekilas dan kemudian kembali merenung langit malam yang kelam. Badan gempal adik kelihatan selesa bersandar pada dinding  rumah pusaka yang telah pun usang. Buku-buku sekolahnya telah pun disusun rapi dan diletakkan di sisi.

                “ Kau dah siapkan homework?”tanya abang.

`              “Tak..ada lagi sikit.Malaslah. Esok pagi tiru la kawan.”

                “Ko nie kan.Malas. Berangan je lebih”

                “ Hmmm, bukannya tak nak buat. Tapi sakit mata la guna lampu minyk tanah tu. Bau dia pun..eeiii,” adik bersuara membantah tanpa memalingkan kepala.

                “ PRAKK..KRIIKK,”

Lantai papan pangkin yang tak beratap itu berbunyi. Menenggelamkan derapan tapak kaki abang yang kemudiannya mengambil tempat tidak berapa jauh dari adik. Abang berbaring, meletakkan kedua tangannya dibelakang kepala dan turut merenung di kejauhan. Diam. Senyap. Membisu tanpa ada suara. Suasana malam yang hening kian terasa. Nyanyian cengkerik semakin lantang dan dingin malam selepas hujan tamat terasa sehinggakan ke tulang sumsum. Sejuk.

                “Bang, bile agaknya rumah kita nak ada elektrik macam rumah oran lain ya..?!”

Adik memulakan bicara. Ada nada mengharap disitu. Membuatkan hati kecil abang terasa sayu tapi disorokkan perarasaan sedihnya itu.

                “ Alaaaahh, kalau ada elektrik pun bukannya kau jadi rajin belajar kan? Kaukan malas tak bertempat, “seloroh abang bersahaja.

                “ Fine. Yelah tu. Siapalah adik ni kalau nak dibandingkan dengan abang kan? Dah la tak pandai, gemok pulak tu...,”ujar adik berjauh hati.

                “Eh, merajuk pulak! Sejak bile ko cepat terasa ni? Hahaha. Ok,ok. Nanti bile abang  dah kerja abang akan pasang elektrik. Abang nak repair rumah kita ni. Mana tahu kalau ada rezeki lebih  nanti boleh buat rumah batu kan. Siap pasang air-cond lagi...”

                “ Cehh, dia pulak yang beranagan lebih-lebih. Umhh, rumah tu nanti lah dulu. Kita pasang elektrik. Letak paip air. Kesian kat mak.  Tak payahlah mak cedok air perigi lagi. Lepas tu kan, kita hantar mak pergi haji. Takpun belikan kerusi urut Ogawa tuu...” potong adik. Wajahnya kelihatan ceria dan mata kuyunya yang telah mengantuk kembali bersinar.

                “Fuuhh, kalau berangan segar je kau yek. Belaja ngantuk”abang mencelah.

                “Nie bukan angan-angan kosong tau. Angan-angan mat jenin. Alaah, abang tu cakap je lebih. Buatnya tak. Kata orang malas, dia pon sama. Lagi teruk kot. Pergi la blaja. Awak tu exam tak lama dah. Lagi 2 bulan nak STPM dah. Kata tadi nak nak pasang letrik lah, air-cond lah, nak repair rumah lah. Kalo x study, x dapat keje baek-baek..mana nak korek duit bang,’leter adik panjang

                “Isshh, ko nie kan, bising lah. Tahulah aku. Tak payah risau. Kau kena yakin dengan aku tau. See the leg aahhh”. Balas abang sedikit bongkak.

                “ Ummhh, bang. Kalaulah kan abang dapat offer study jauh-jauh macam mana?”

                “Maksud kau..? Laahh, dah semua tempat jauh kot. Mana ada universiti sebelah rumah buruk kita nie. Kena la jadi anak perantau. Tapi jangan risau abang akan pastikan abang akan selalu balik. Hujung minggu ke..hehehe.”

                “ Kalau setakat balik dengan tangan kosong dan nak menghabiskan beras kat rumah! Tak balik pon takpe. Haha. Eleh,  kalau study oversea pon abang nak balik tiap-tiap minggu ke? “perli adik.

                “Uissshh, seronoknya main salji. Kalau oversea mana abang ingat nak balik dah. Hehehe”. Abang ketawa nakal.

                “Lupa daratan betul lah.” Sentak adik.

                “ Bukanlah, itu namanye kacang lupakan kulitkan?? Eh, kalau aku pegi oversea nanti. Ko follow la sekali. Ko study rajin-rajin. Mana la tahu rezeki kan”

                “ Dah la. Merepek. Aku tak pandai macam kau. Lagipon kalau kita dua pergi, sape nak jaga mak? Kasihan mak. Nanti tak ada orang tolong dia jual nasi lemak. Dah. Aku nak tidur. Tadi mak pesan. Tolong penuhkan air dalam kolah dengan baldi kat dapur tu. Dia nak pakai masak nanti. Jangan lupa  tahu, ”kata adik yang telah pun bingkas bangun yang kemudiannya meluru masuk ke dalam rumah.

                “ Eh, Mak suruh kau ke aku? Main pas- pas pulak.”

                “ Aku dah cari dan carik daun pisang tadi. Kau buat la yang ni.” Adik melaung dari dalam rumah.

* *****************************

Sebelas  tahun kemudian.....

                Kepulangan ke tanah air tercinta seharusnya membawa seribu pengertian dan rasa untuk setiap insan yang telah hampir sedekad berada di perantauan. Seharusnya aku merasa teruja dan gembira untuk pulang ke rumah. Pulang untuk menatap wajah orang tersayang yang telah sekian lama berjauhan. Hampa. Hatiku sebal. Rasaku kaku. Kosong. Aku menatap jauh ke luar jendela pesawat boeing 077.

                Melayang di awangan biru, daratan kelihatan bagaikan model permainan mini. Bumbung-bumbung rumah dan bangunan kelihatan bagaikan satu petak kecil di atas kertas. Bagaikan khayalan. Hatiku berdetak. “Rumah?!”. Bodoh sahaja bunyinya tetapi besar ertinya buatku dan betapa pentingnya peranannya buat semua insan.

                Rumah merupakan tempat tinggal di mana sesuatu keluarga atau kumpulan tinggal dan menjalani kehidupan bersama dengan memberi komitmen antara satu sama lain. Akan begitu, Masih adakah lagi rumah untuk ku pulang? Masih adakah lagi keluarga yang menanti kepulanganku di rumah?

Jauh di sudut hati ku tahu rumah usang itu masih utuh di tapaknya. Menanti kepulanganku.  Ya, rumah usang pusaka datuk yang didiami kami tiga beranak suatu waktu dahulu. Rumah yang menyimpan berjuta nostalgia indah zaman kanak-kanakku. Persetankan rumah itu. Rumah itu tidak lagi bererti buatku. Rumah itu telah sekian lama kosong tak berpenghuni. Tiada lagi penghuni yang menanti kepulanganku di situ

Walau sepahit mana pun kenyataan harus kuterima ketentuan ilahi. Allah s.w.t lebih menyayangi ibu. Semoga Allah s.w.t mencucuri rahmat ke atas arwah ibu yang telah pulang kepangkuan  ilahi lapan tahun dulu. Selepas dua tahun aku meninggalkan bumi Malaysia untuk mengejar sekelumit impian di kota cinta ; Paris. Tuhan sahaja yang mengerti perasaanku ketika itu.

Aku ingin pulang dan hadir pada hari pengebumian ibu. Aku ingin sekali memandikan jenazah arwah ibunda yang tersayang. Mencium dahinya buat kali terakhir. Menatap wajahnya untuk yang terakhir. Biarlah aku dan adik yang mengusung jenazah ibu ke tanah perkuburan dan biarlah aku juga yang meletakkan jenazah ibu ke dalam liang lahad. Ya. Hanya Allah s.w.t sahaja yang mengerti perasaanku ketika itu. Betapa aku menyesali dan memarahi diri sendiri kerana kemiskinanku.  Aku tidak mampu untuk pulang. 

Tika itu aku merasa terlalu benci pada diri sendiri. Seorang pelajar miskin seperti aku yang tidak berdaya berbuat apa-apa untuk membantu mengurangkan kesakitan dan keperitan keluarga. Setelah pemergian ibu, adik kembali tinggal bersama ayah. Lelaki dayus pentingkan diri  yang telah mengabaikan kami tiga beranak. Sejak pemergian ibu jugalah adik mula berubah laku. Surat-surat kirimanku tidak lagi berbalas. Adik terlalu marah padaku. Adik mahu aku pulang dan mengambilnya untuk tinggal bersama... jauh dari ayah.

Kata adik aku terlalu mementingkan diri. Kata adik dia tidak sanggup untuk tinggal bersama keluarga baru ayah. Kata adik dia tidak punya keluarga lain selain aku. Kata adik ayah tidak pernah pernah mempedulikan adik. Kata adik mak senah, isteri baru ayah terlau membencinya. Begitu juga dengan anak-anak mak senah. Kataku pada adik; maafkan abang. Abang belum boleh pulang lagi. Bersabarlah. Abang akan pulang dengan segulung ijazah. Kemudian, kata adik aku akan menyesalI perbuatanku sendiri.

Ya, aku sememangnya mementingkan diri. Ku lupa untuk menoleh ke belakang sedang aku pantas berlari mengejar cita- cita dan impian sendiri. Tapi cita-cita itulah harapan kita untuk keluar dari hidup yang dibelenggu kemiskinan. Impian dan cita itu jugalah alasan untukku berhenti membenci diri. Adik betul. Kini, aku sememangnya menyesali perbuatanku.

Setahun setelah pemergian arwah emak aku turut kehilangan satu-satunya keluarga yang masih tinggal. Adik melarikan diri dari rumah ayah dan semenjak itu tiada lagi khabar berita dari adik. Hingga kini telah tujuh tahun adik hilang tanpa jejak. Dan aku akhirnya pulang dengan segulung sijil lepasan ijazah dan  segunung harapan untuk mebina kehidupan baru di hamparan dunia penuh materialistik.

Kemanakah hilangnya adik? Satu persoalan yang tak ku tahu tapi aku berjanji pada diri sendiri akan ku cari dia walau selama mana pun masa harus diambil. Walau pun biarlah hanya untuk sekali..aku tetap ingin menatap dan berbicara dengan  adik.

“Execuse me sir. Plese wear your sit belt. We are landing soon..”tegur seorang pramugari.

Lamunanku tersentak.

: a little bit here and there :

indeed ...a little bit here and there...well....d title already amplifies the content for this entry....this entry is just a babble on few topics Im gonna say or rather I have to say...since there is too much thing to talk...so what Im gonna do is just picking up just a lil bit here and there on every topics.....

why????

simple...coz its been way too long since d last time I updated my blog...just so u noe...I can sense mushroom sprouting...Anyway, there is too much thing I wanna put up here but then to sheer laziness...so I just ignore it..

Little bit here & there 1---> Holiday

Since holiday started..I had been seriuosly abominably lazy.... sighhh.

I cant really count the reason why but maybe I've become to attach wif my lappy & internet..

Well in d past I hardy sit idly during long holiday such as this, always making sure there is a project to work on...either by working part time...adopting new project to work on...writing..drawing...crafting.. etc etc..

But for this particular holiday..I felt like I had done nothing worth for affection

yes...I went for fieldtrip but other than that I kept doing worthless thing like reading d same manga again and again for countless of time in a day....

No wonder  my mum kept scolding me days & nite...not to mention d noticably increase in physical size & weight....so I guess I might have to go into diet soon..or actually have been force by certain someone..hehe

Little bit here & there 2----> fieldwork

As usual field trip is synonym to d life of a final year geology student...so this time I went over to Melaka...masjid tanah that is..and from that all I can say is that resistivty fieldwork is such a bother..there is lot  of work to be done and the equipment is heavy...so a great teamwork is essentially needed..
haha...Im not playing d good role to begin with so I think Syap and the rest of the team (arda, nur n yazid) have to work harder....sorry guys...nonetheless...it was fun...playing around d beaches..strolling d shops in melaka parade....eating ikan bakar....vexing arda while watching new moon....d first experiance taking express bus back to kl...playing with parut kelapa...walking in undurably stench swarm...founding an abandon lake...not to mention d spooky things dat happen in one of d site...
I spent 5 days in melaka...come back to kl for a day and went off again to pahang...this trip was joined by nur, arda, ara and lead by Dr. Sam....cant really say much bout it except we've been on road for two days..so Im quite amazed that Dr. Sam can realy drive for such long hours...Pahang trip are more to site viewing so there isnt much fooling around...it just that sometimes he likes to ask awkward & funny question...

 What did u think about Dr. Is?

What is interesting about  Dr. Is?

Overall, did the trip is good or not?

In which I answered oddly for each one of the question. But really during this trip I realized that the scenery in Malaysia is heaven even its just an oil plam platation that greet me along the way...so it kept me thinking..how come not many of us aware of this...maybe becoz there is not much effort to publicize our own treasure..

 An unforgettable experience indeed

Before I forgot, Dr Sam endless nags is something shud'nt be forgotten...some of it was hard..but I don really mind coz he sounds exactly like my mother...so I can help laughing at the end of his scolding...but not directly after...hehe...nway he's been so nice to us...even let us stay at his house for a nite & treating us to dinner and lunch.....so I would like to extand my thanks to all of d people involve especeially him.

Little bit here & there 3----> results

Results were out and mine was sucks so I have lots of worrying to do...but oh well..lets just save that when the new semester started...shall we??..In short, I can only say that I need that 3 above cgp for next sem..wooohool....die lorrr...

Little bit here & there 4-----> Suicide

Someone in d neighborhood commit suicide by hanging himself... its kinda sad...even if I dunno him I cant help thinking that maybe in d past we had walked past each other..and now while he is dead  and Im very much alive....wat can be so painful to bear?...well..honestly I cant understand wat can be solve by this stupidly selfish act??

Suicide is a permanent solution for temporary problem...once u die everything ends...leaving only sorrow for those who remain..hurm...

Little bit here and there 5---> all the little things

My dear devil Angora went missing and every search effort turn futile..

UPSR is out and my sister scor 4A1B..not bad for her..congrats..

My mum used every opportunity she had to nags me and I for a split second I wish new sem start asap

Other than that there is nothing much except outing, lepaking and catching up wif frens

Btw...I went watching Avatar 3D after returning from fieldwork and it's not worth it for 18 ringgit coz the 3D effect was'nt that captivating....haisshh...wasted!!

I started listening to radio...and plish dont be shocked by i tunes in to ERA station...hahaha...coz arda and nur t were stunned when I read "malay cintan-cintun novel" in front of them...I actually read them...FYI!!

-a never ending expectation-

While she was doing her Science & Technology assignment..somehow her mind travels and reflects back like a broken old  television with black and white image...it goes way back to the mundane evening she spent watching an episode of Doraemon..that one episode which almost bring tears down her round fluffy cheeks..=)

Yes...she did cried and tried to hide her tears but its not because she had been bewitch by Doraemon..

well...wat can one expect from a round head robot that have everything besides fun..

What really makes her cries is the hidden message brought about on expectation...parental expectation to be exact...

Yeaahh...very true that uncertainity and expectation were the joy of life...

Every single soul..human ..mammals can't ever run from reckoning..putting that hope high up on others...

Literally we were made through the love of our parents and ever since the day we are born, we have been treated as an object beyond preciousness. As we grow from an incomprehensible infant to a wandering toddler, we abide ourselves to our parents and became dependent towards them. ...

It then became an obligation for us to respect them and obey them. Parents generally have an expectation for us to achieve to be “successful” in their own various definitions. The predicament that always occurs is that we failed to be on that spotlight...sadly..but truly..

Typically lot of teenagers buckle to the pressure and just give up. Any form of emotion that in some way resembles enthusiasm is thrown out the window...(thats what I do ...I guess..hehe.)..

Either u face them or runaway from them..in my case I flight everytime I caught the opputunity..

Somehow ..I just cant stop feeling guilty remembring my sin..hehehe...

(my poor parents..forgive ur lousy daughter ya...)

yes..regrets will lingers but for now I wanna be true to myself....

Still expectation wont stop...even u urself would put some sort of expectation oh ur own capabilities..

Even in writing this article i feel like it’s not as good as it could be, what will people think of it? Of me? Will they laugh? Will they understand what i am going on about? Will they love me forever or will they stop reading my blog altogether?

And now, after leaving the childhood and upon entering adulthood, have my expectations been fulfilled?

Of course not! There’s more than ever now.

Expectation to grad in nearest time, getting a well paid job, nurturing my other abilities and talents, be more useful towards my family...And that’s about where it ends, because by the time i have fulfilled all these expectations, i’ll be an old woman in a wheelchair contemplating what my life would have been like if i had done things differently. Not buckled by the expectations that myself and others placed upon me. Etcetera etcetera. But that would also be a load of shit coz expectations are apart of day to day life.

I guess it’s learning to except them and embrace or ignore them as they come which is what makes us truly content with our life.

 

A life full of regrets is epic fail. U can beat me on that....