Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A peek into a novel that I wrote back when I was in form 6..hahaha

My friends just return this one to me after all this years...haha....the storyline starts when Im in form 6 but I actually complete it back durin form 6 years....hehe....well since I was so bored I feel like to post up the prolog chapter here...hahahahaha...Among the story that I wrote before, I like this one best...huhu..no la...I actually like the title best coz it kinda warmth for me...forget it..u guys wint understand me I guess...anyway, tell me if u like it too...hehehe


Abadikan Semalam
Prolog.....

                “ Gemok...masuk tido la. Da pukul bape nie??l!!”
Laung abang bersahaja seraya menjengahkan kepalanya ke luar pintu. Dia tersengih-sengih bagaikan kerang busuk, mempamerkan barisan giginya yang putih dan kemas teratur bagaikan model iklan ubat gigi Darlie.
                “......,” adik hanya diam tanpa  membalas. Berpaling,  tersenyum sekilas dan kemudian kembali merenung langit malam yang kelam. Badan gempal adik kelihatan selesa bersandar pada dinding  rumah pusaka yang telah pun usang. Buku-buku sekolahnya telah pun disusun rapi dan diletakkan di sisi.
                “ Kau dah siapkan homework?”tanya abang.
`              “Tak..ada lagi sikit.Malaslah. Esok pagi tiru la kawan.”
                “Ko nie kan.Malas. Berangan je lebih”
                “ Hmmm, bukannya tak nak buat. Tapi sakit mata la guna lampu minyk tanah tu. Bau dia pun..eeiii,” adik bersuara membantah tanpa memalingkan kepala.
                “ PRAKK..KRIIKK,”
Lantai papan pangkin yang tak beratap itu berbunyi. Menenggelamkan derapan tapak kaki abang yang kemudiannya mengambil tempat tidak berapa jauh dari adik. Abang berbaring, meletakkan kedua tangannya dibelakang kepala dan turut merenung di kejauhan. Diam. Senyap. Membisu tanpa ada suara. Suasana malam yang hening kian terasa. Nyanyian cengkerik semakin lantang dan dingin malam selepas hujan tamat terasa sehinggakan ke tulang sumsum. Sejuk.
                “Bang, bile agaknya rumah kita nak ada elektrik macam rumah oran lain ya..?!”
Adik memulakan bicara. Ada nada mengharap disitu. Membuatkan hati kecil abang terasa sayu tapi disorokkan perarasaan sedihnya itu.
                “ Alaaaahh, kalau ada elektrik pun bukannya kau jadi rajin belajar kan? Kaukan malas tak bertempat, “seloroh abang bersahaja.
                “ Fine. Yelah tu. Siapalah adik ni kalau nak dibandingkan dengan abang kan? Dah la tak pandai, gemok pulak tu...,”ujar adik berjauh hati.
                “Eh, merajuk pulak! Sejak bile ko cepat terasa ni? Hahaha. Ok,ok. Nanti bile abang  dah kerja abang akan pasang elektrik. Abang nak repair rumah kita ni. Mana tahu kalau ada rezeki lebih  nanti boleh buat rumah batu kan. Siap pasang air-cond lagi...”
                “ Cehh, dia pulak yang beranagan lebih-lebih. Umhh, rumah tu nanti lah dulu. Kita pasang elektrik. Letak paip air. Kesian kat mak.  Tak payahlah mak cedok air perigi lagi. Lepas tu kan, kita hantar mak pergi haji. Takpun belikan kerusi urut Ogawa tuu...” potong adik. Wajahnya kelihatan ceria dan mata kuyunya yang telah mengantuk kembali bersinar.

                “Fuuhh, kalau berangan segar je kau yek. Belaja ngantuk”abang mencelah.
                “Nie bukan angan-angan kosong tau. Angan-angan mat jenin. Alaah, abang tu cakap je lebih. Buatnya tak. Kata orang malas, dia pon sama. Lagi teruk kot. Pergi la blaja. Awak tu exam tak lama dah. Lagi 2 bulan nak STPM dah. Kata tadi nak nak pasang letrik lah, air-cond lah, nak repair rumah lah. Kalo x study, x dapat keje baek-baek..mana nak korek duit bang,’leter adik panjang
                “Isshh, ko nie kan, bising lah. Tahulah aku. Tak payah risau. Kau kena yakin dengan aku tau. See the leg aahhh”. Balas abang sedikit bongkak.
                “ Ummhh, bang. Kalaulah kan abang dapat offer study jauh-jauh macam mana?”
                “Maksud kau..? Laahh, dah semua tempat jauh kot. Mana ada universiti sebelah rumah buruk kita nie. Kena la jadi anak perantau. Tapi jangan risau abang akan pastikan abang akan selalu balik. Hujung minggu ke..hehehe.”
                “ Kalau setakat balik dengan tangan kosong dan nak menghabiskan beras kat rumah! Tak balik pon takpe. Haha. Eleh,  kalau study oversea pon abang nak balik tiap-tiap minggu ke? “perli adik.
                “Uissshh, seronoknya main salji. Kalau oversea mana abang ingat nak balik dah. Hehehe”. Abang ketawa nakal.
                “Lupa daratan betul lah.” Sentak adik.
                “ Bukanlah, itu namanye kacang lupakan kulitkan?? Eh, kalau aku pegi oversea nanti. Ko follow la sekali. Ko study rajin-rajin. Mana la tahu rezeki kan”
                “ Dah la. Merepek. Aku tak pandai macam kau. Lagipon kalau kita dua pergi, sape nak jaga mak? Kasihan mak. Nanti tak ada orang tolong dia jual nasi lemak. Dah. Aku nak tidur. Tadi mak pesan. Tolong penuhkan air dalam kolah dengan baldi kat dapur tu. Dia nak pakai masak nanti. Jangan lupa  tahu, ”kata adik yang telah pun bingkas bangun yang kemudiannya meluru masuk ke dalam rumah.
                “ Eh, Mak suruh kau ke aku? Main pas- pas pulak.”
                “ Aku dah cari dan carik daun pisang tadi. Kau buat la yang ni.” Adik melaung dari dalam rumah.

* *****************************
Sebelas  tahun kemudian.....

                Kepulangan ke tanah air tercinta seharusnya membawa seribu pengertian dan rasa untuk setiap insan yang telah hampir sedekad berada di perantauan. Seharusnya aku merasa teruja dan gembira untuk pulang ke rumah. Pulang untuk menatap wajah orang tersayang yang telah sekian lama berjauhan. Hampa. Hatiku sebal. Rasaku kaku. Kosong. Aku menatap jauh ke luar jendela pesawat boeing 077.

                Melayang di awangan biru, daratan kelihatan bagaikan model permainan mini. Bumbung-bumbung rumah dan bangunan kelihatan bagaikan satu petak kecil di atas kertas. Bagaikan khayalan. Hatiku berdetak. “Rumah?!”. Bodoh sahaja bunyinya tetapi besar ertinya buatku dan betapa pentingnya peranannya buat semua insan.

                Rumah merupakan tempat tinggal di mana sesuatu keluarga atau kumpulan tinggal dan menjalani kehidupan bersama dengan memberi komitmen antara satu sama lain. Akan begitu, Masih adakah lagi rumah untuk ku pulang? Masih adakah lagi keluarga yang menanti kepulanganku di rumah?

Jauh di sudut hati ku tahu rumah usang itu masih utuh di tapaknya. Menanti kepulanganku.  Ya, rumah usang pusaka datuk yang didiami kami tiga beranak suatu waktu dahulu. Rumah yang menyimpan berjuta nostalgia indah zaman kanak-kanakku. Persetankan rumah itu. Rumah itu tidak lagi bererti buatku. Rumah itu telah sekian lama kosong tak berpenghuni. Tiada lagi penghuni yang menanti kepulanganku di situ

Walau sepahit mana pun kenyataan harus kuterima ketentuan ilahi. Allah s.w.t lebih menyayangi ibu. Semoga Allah s.w.t mencucuri rahmat ke atas arwah ibu yang telah pulang kepangkuan  ilahi lapan tahun dulu. Selepas dua tahun aku meninggalkan bumi Malaysia untuk mengejar sekelumit impian di kota cinta ; Paris. Tuhan sahaja yang mengerti perasaanku ketika itu.

Aku ingin pulang dan hadir pada hari pengebumian ibu. Aku ingin sekali memandikan jenazah arwah ibunda yang tersayang. Mencium dahinya buat kali terakhir. Menatap wajahnya untuk yang terakhir. Biarlah aku dan adik yang mengusung jenazah ibu ke tanah perkuburan dan biarlah aku juga yang meletakkan jenazah ibu ke dalam liang lahad. Ya. Hanya Allah s.w.t sahaja yang mengerti perasaanku ketika itu. Betapa aku menyesali dan memarahi diri sendiri kerana kemiskinanku.  Aku tidak mampu untuk pulang. 

Tika itu aku merasa terlalu benci pada diri sendiri. Seorang pelajar miskin seperti aku yang tidak berdaya berbuat apa-apa untuk membantu mengurangkan kesakitan dan keperitan keluarga. Setelah pemergian ibu, adik kembali tinggal bersama ayah. Lelaki dayus pentingkan diri  yang telah mengabaikan kami tiga beranak. Sejak pemergian ibu jugalah adik mula berubah laku. Surat-surat kirimanku tidak lagi berbalas. Adik terlalu marah padaku. Adik mahu aku pulang dan mengambilnya untuk tinggal bersama... jauh dari ayah.


Kata adik aku terlalu mementingkan diri. Kata adik dia tidak sanggup untuk tinggal bersama keluarga baru ayah. Kata adik dia tidak punya keluarga lain selain aku. Kata adik ayah tidak pernah pernah mempedulikan adik. Kata adik mak senah, isteri baru ayah terlau membencinya. Begitu juga dengan anak-anak mak senah. Kataku pada adik; maafkan abang. Abang belum boleh pulang lagi. Bersabarlah. Abang akan pulang dengan segulung ijazah. Kemudian, kata adik aku akan menyesalI perbuatanku sendiri.

Ya, aku sememangnya mementingkan diri. Ku lupa untuk menoleh ke belakang sedang aku pantas berlari mengejar cita- cita dan impian sendiri. Tapi cita-cita itulah harapan kita untuk keluar dari hidup yang dibelenggu kemiskinan. Impian dan cita itu jugalah alasan untukku berhenti membenci diri. Adik betul. Kini, aku sememangnya menyesali perbuatanku.

Setahun setelah pemergian arwah emak aku turut kehilangan satu-satunya keluarga yang masih tinggal. Adik melarikan diri dari rumah ayah dan semenjak itu tiada lagi khabar berita dari adik. Hingga kini telah tujuh tahun adik hilang tanpa jejak. Dan aku akhirnya pulang dengan segulung sijil lepasan ijazah dan  segunung harapan untuk mebina kehidupan baru di hamparan dunia penuh materialistik.

Kemanakah hilangnya adik? Satu persoalan yang tak ku tahu tapi aku berjanji pada diri sendiri akan ku cari dia walau selama mana pun masa harus diambil. Walau pun biarlah hanya untuk sekali..aku tetap ingin menatap dan berbicara dengan  adik.

“Execuse me sir. Plese wear your sit belt. We are landing soon..”tegur seorang pramugari.

Lamunanku tersentak.

: a little bit here and there :

indeed ...a little bit here and there...well....d title already amplifies the content for this entry....this entry is just a babble on few topics Im gonna say or rather I have to say...since there is too much thing to talk...so what Im gonna do is just picking up just a lil bit here and there on every topics.....
why????
simple...coz its been way too long since d last time I updated my blog...just so u noe...I can sense mushroom sprouting...Anyway, there is too much thing I wanna put up here but then to sheer laziness...so I just ignore it..

Little bit here & there 1---> Holiday

Since holiday started..I had been seriuosly abominably lazy.... sighhh.
I cant really count the reason why but maybe I've become to attach wif my lappy & internet..
Well in d past I hardy sit idly during long holiday such as this, always making sure there is a project to work on...either by working part time...adopting new project to work on...writing..drawing...crafting.. etc etc..
But for this particular holiday..I felt like I had done nothing worth for affection
yes...I went for fieldtrip but other than that I kept doing worthless thing like reading d same manga again and again for countless of time in a day....
No wonder  my mum kept scolding me days & nite...not to mention d noticably increase in physical size & weight....so I guess I might have to go into diet soon..or actually have been force by certain someone..hehe

Little bit here & there 2----> fieldwork



As usual field trip is synonym to d life of a final year geology student...so this time I went over to Melaka...masjid tanah that is..and from that all I can say is that resistivty fieldwork is such a bother..there is lot  of work to be done and the equipment is heavy...so a great teamwork is essentially needed..
haha...Im not playing d good role to begin with so I think Syap and the rest of the team (arda, nur n yazid) have to work harder....sorry guys...nonetheless...it was fun...playing around d beaches..strolling d shops in melaka parade....eating ikan bakar....vexing arda while watching new moon....d first experiance taking express bus back to kl...playing with parut kelapa...walking in undurably stench swarm...founding an abandon lake...not to mention d spooky things dat happen in one of d site...
I spent 5 days in melaka...come back to kl for a day and went off again to pahang...this trip was joined by nur, arda, ara and lead by Dr. Sam....cant really say much bout it except we've been on road for two days..so Im quite amazed that Dr. Sam can realy drive for such long hours...Pahang trip are more to site viewing so there isnt much fooling around...it just that sometimes he likes to ask awkward & funny question...
 What did u think about Dr. Is?
What is interesting about  Dr. Is?
Overall, did the trip is good or not?
In which I answered oddly for each one of the question. But really during this trip I realized that the scenery in Malaysia is heaven even its just an oil plam platation that greet me along the way...so it kept me thinking..how come not many of us aware of this...maybe becoz there is not much effort to publicize our own treasure..
 An unforgettable experience indeed
Before I forgot, Dr Sam endless nags is something shud'nt be forgotten...some of it was hard..but I don really mind coz he sounds exactly like my mother...so I can help laughing at the end of his scolding...but not directly after...hehe...nway he's been so nice to us...even let us stay at his house for a nite & treating us to dinner and lunch.....so I would like to extand my thanks to all of d people involve especeially him.

Little bit here & there 3----> results


Results were out and mine was sucks so I have lots of worrying to do...but oh well..lets just save that when the new semester started...shall we??..In short, I can only say that I need that 3 above cgp for next sem..wooohool....die lorrr...

Little bit here & there 4-----> Suicide

Someone in d neighborhood commit suicide by hanging himself... its kinda sad...even if I dunno him I cant help thinking that maybe in d past we had walked past each other..and now while he is dead  and Im very much alive....wat can be so painful to bear?...well..honestly I cant understand wat can be solve by this stupidly selfish act??
Suicide is a permanent solution for temporary problem...once u die everything ends...leaving only sorrow for those who remain..hurm...

Little bit here and there 5---> all the little things


My dear devil Angora went missing and every search effort turn futile..
UPSR is out and my sister scor 4A1B..not bad for her..congrats..
My mum used every opportunity she had to nags me and I for a split second I wish new sem start asap
Other than that there is nothing much except outing, lepaking and catching up wif frens
Btw...I went watching Avatar 3D after returning from fieldwork and it's not worth it for 18 ringgit coz the 3D effect was'nt that captivating....haisshh...wasted!!
I started listening to radio...and plish dont be shocked by i tunes in to ERA station...hahaha...coz arda and nur t were stunned when I read "malay cintan-cintun novel" in front of them...I actually read them...FYI!!







Monday, October 12, 2009

-a never ending expectation-

While she was doing her Science & Technology assignment..somehow her mind travels and reflects back like a broken old  television with black and white image...it goes way back to the mundane evening she spent watching an episode of Doraemon..that one episode which almost bring tears down her round fluffy cheeks..=)

Yes...she did cried and tried to hide her tears but its not because she had been bewitch by Doraemon..
well...wat can one expect from a round head robot that have everything besides fun..

What really makes her cries is the hidden message brought about on expectation...parental expectation to be exact...
Yeaahh...very true that uncertainity and expectation were the joy of life...
Every single soul..human ..mammals can't ever run from reckoning..putting that hope high up on others...

Literally we were made through the love of our parents and ever since the day we are born, we have been treated as an object beyond preciousness. As we grow from an incomprehensible infant to a wandering toddler, we abide ourselves to our parents and became dependent towards them. ...

It then became an obligation for us to respect them and obey them. Parents generally have an expectation for us to achieve to be “successful” in their own various definitions. The predicament that always occurs is that we failed to be on that spotlight...sadly..but truly..

Typically lot of teenagers buckle to the pressure and just give up. Any form of emotion that in some way resembles enthusiasm is thrown out the window...(thats what I do ...I guess..hehe.)..
Either u face them or runaway from them..in my case I flight everytime I caught the opputunity..
Somehow ..I just cant stop feeling guilty remembring my sin..hehehe...
(my poor parents..forgive ur lousy daughter ya...)
yes..regrets will lingers but for now I wanna be true to myself....

Still expectation wont stop...even u urself would put some sort of expectation oh ur own capabilities..

Even in writing this article i feel like it’s not as good as it could be, what will people think of it? Of me? Will they laugh? Will they understand what i am going on about? Will they love me forever or will they stop reading my blog altogether?

And now, after leaving the childhood and upon entering adulthood, have my expectations been fulfilled?
Of course not! There’s more than ever now.

Expectation to grad in nearest time, getting a well paid job, nurturing my other abilities and talents, be more useful towards my family...And that’s about where it ends, because by the time i have fulfilled all these expectations, i’ll be an old woman in a wheelchair contemplating what my life would have been like if i had done things differently. Not buckled by the expectations that myself and others placed upon me. Etcetera etcetera. But that would also be a load of shit coz expectations are apart of day to day life.

I guess it’s learning to except them and embrace or ignore them as they come which is what makes us truly content with our life.


 

A life full of regrets is epic fail. U can beat me on that....








Thursday, October 8, 2009

Stepping into life...

People say walking is as simple as putting one foot in front of the other.
Its really a bit more conplicated than that...really
It requires falling, catching urself, & pushing urself up again all at the same time.
A bit like life really.

In fact it is something that you alone must do for urself.
Even if the road is not clear
Stepping ahead is a must so that one day u'll find ur own place

Where is that place..?
Dun ask me...I dont even noe..but thats ok
Coz I noe I'll be ok & Im ready to take my step
Even if the light goes off
I'll just walk first & try to figure it out later

~~another crap jotted down in 5 minutes time at 11.05 am b4 sed chem..haha.class time..lets walk.~



Saturday, October 3, 2009

Scratching out words in sullen state......

In the way to an XXXX place I'm kind of not in da mood for certain reason...(mostly coz I dun wish to be there but somewhere else)...
So trying to justified with my own feeling I kept quiet most of the time & just stare forlornly out of window (I wish that no one notice this and acted just fine)...
everything is moving and my mind just can't rest..
as I found a piece of paper I start to scratch up some sketch & then some words..
Out of nowhere..
words just flows out & I ended up scratching up some poems which seem ok-ok for me..hehe
This is it.....

mommy can i go outside and play?
birds are singing in such lovely day
and i can't wait until my broken wings are cured
oh for one bright moment in the sun
every bird must wing and sing its song
once twice again and then it's gone

mommy it was such a lovely day
the birds were singing then it slipped away
the birds were singing then they flew away
leaving me alone they flies away

my dear it was such a lovely day
beware my child it wont stay that way
thunder might struck as skies turns grey
patient my love and you'll be pay

mommy its still a lovely day
tho thunders and storms were on their way
cause I remembered what you always say
that rainbow will lurks at the first gleams of light after a rainy day
believing in them I soothed myself in taking the rocky pathway

cause I know you' be watching - always










Monday, September 28, 2009

A trust misplaced...


Many times in my life have i ended up wrongly trusting people which in one or two incident have caused more than just the feeling of trust being betrayed. (Maybe its just one of my many failings, i'm only human/devil rite?) The world taught me that trusting only oneself is the safest way, however if i do open up, i place my trust entirely on that person. This is because, i believe that deep down, everyone is a good and trust worthy person. Thus, if i show a certain level of trust to someone, i expect to be be returned with the same level of trust.

Most of the time, my trust is well placed. However, in this case, i made the same mistake again. (will i never learn? Arghh!!!). Surely, it needs a certain amount of time for me to admit it as this time, it was with one of my best friend XX. This person is one of my earliest best friends which I treasured the most. We have a very long story with each other and most of it is a sad one (all the mishap exp by her n me by dat time). We had never quarrel, I guess its because she is too dignfied and I'm being too soft. Even if a hundred years had gone by without any contact she will stay close at my heart as one of my loved one.

I noe that distance and both our hectic lifestyle seperate us but still did'nt we make a promise to contact and see each other on regular basis?..and I still hold the promise strong to myself..and I expect her to do so

The few three years of separation we kept updating each other  on regular basis..
As time past by, one phone call in several months were so hard to get..
So everytime I'll be the one calling..seeing her at her place...getting her to went out..
And each effort I took make me sounds like an idiot...
But still I tried to tolerate and sugar coat my sour feeling that start to develop..
Ive guess Im just tired of waiting..
So this raya  I go as far as ignoring her 3 time phone call..(usually it will be me callin)
Still I felt so terribly in guilt and after several days I tried to get her on the line so many times..
....sadly...she didnt pick up....too busy to notice my call I guess..
 I dont blame her tho....nevermind...there is still next time...(biting the dissapoinment..haiisshh(-_-)!!)

So what I really learn is..we dont always get back what we harvest..
In this place..the trust..
Nevermind tho...maybe this is wat I got for broken the promise I make with others..
As a human I do break promise ...in fact..a lot of promises...

Like today.....I was campaigning on my loads of assignment..
So I excused myself & did'nt do the cleaning after people went back (raye visit)
Instead of cleaning up..I go and do the assignment....ahaha..no la...I was playing game at my room
So when I see my father cleaning up (the kitchen & dining room were spotless..hehe)
I felt so horrible & promise myself to complete my assignment by today  to be more available for my family..

( my father should'nt put his blind faith on me...he shud hv noe my character but still spare me...Lurve him very2 much...one of the best father one can have.... (^.^)>..heheehe)
Still...I havent start a word on it yet..
See...once again the trust both my father and me myself had put on myself had been misplaced...
.(if u undersand wat Im trying to say la...hahaha) 


Huhuhu...I guess I should stop now...
Need to get back on my assignment which had not made any progress frm yesterday.,
Shoot me pliss.....



Sunday, September 27, 2009

Waiting


  

Silent
Waiting for the phone to ring
But maybe someone’s on the other end
Just waiting for you to call them
You say I’ll wait just one more minute
But the phone it just won’t ring
And your thoughts return to the question
Is someone on the other end?
Do they want to talk to you today,
Are they waiting?
But the phone it just won’t ring
So you say I’ll wait just one more minute
But the anxiety runs way too deep
So you walk away for today
I guess they didn’t want to call you
But I know better
I know there’s someone on the other end
Waiting for you to call them
But instead the phone rings somewhere else

“Yes, that’s right I don’t have any plans.”


I sit here now waiting for a call that might never come.
Maybe Im just lying to myself and its all just in my head.
Wasn't there a promise we would contact each other?
Being a realistic person i should know better that romance is dead in the world right?
Yet i'm a hopeless romantic who rather wait than make the first call.
Oh well, back to busying myself....

Waiting for phone calls sucks...

Might as well b the one to call rather than ended up death...
but still I wanted to wait more...
*sigh*...


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Facts...that I can't deny & the thought that relief me....



Yes..surely..undoubtly...definitely..convincingly...absolutely
I had no problem in admitting that I'm weird..(as people used to told me)
tho I'm not sure on what basis they judge me.....


but for myself I dont think there r any difference in my appearance..except that I'm pretty plump..huhu
maybe it's in the act..(#*_*#)
I really like to do weird stuff & not to mention having weird thought..
(Im not pervert tho...haha)...its just plain that I hate to do something out of the norm
so if that include me into the weirdo group...
just be it...


really... I found  that it amuse them to use it as an issues to tease me
yepp..I dont mind but... pretty much .... but if u keep being tease again & again....
its kinda vexing.... & normally I'll start puting up fuss...
either Il'l counter back mildly  or just keep quiet & leave..
its fight or flight u see...(^.^) >...(rooaarr..Im living the savage life..haaha)
actually it does'nt even worth to start a fight with


so most of the time I let them amuse themselves more...
-inner thought : watever guys...keep it coming...be my guess..entertain urself coz I dont give a damn.
           haha....you laugh b'coz I'm different, I laugh b'coz you're all the same..its fair


Whoever say that the world was unfair....yeaa..it did la in some sort...huhu
But surely all this people who like to tease would never know that as they amuse themselves teasing others ..
me too... took the pleasure amusing myself laughing on their typical self...sometimes
ain't that fair enough...

but of coz I don't let them noe bout it...coz it wont be fun anymore after that..

I don't see any wrong in being difference..
& honestly I really did laugh when I see that everyone is the same
if you look at the world a& all the people from a different perspective..
its kinda of humorous but not in hilarious way ..maybe..ahahaha
Ok..now ..I did think my word mark that Im really am weird..
hahahah..no longer noe wat Im saying.


still beyond any shadow of doubt I firmly thought that...
U laugh bcoz I'm different, I laugh bcoz u're all the same..(^_^)v

Monday, September 21, 2009

The day I turn 22.......on 2nd Hari Raya....



On the 21st September 2009, I had to remove the "1" digit and replace it with "2" from the back of my age description in applications form..


I'm definitely in a hate love mood when it comes to my age...
I love the fact that i'm maturing gracefully (i sound like i'm 50 plus) and is anticipating for the next one to come...(at 22 I'm old enough to legally go clubbing! Yeah!!...but pity I didnt do clubbing..haha)


But i hate the fact that as i get older, people always expects me to act a certain way...
e.g: "ehh? How old are you now? Still play with the younger children ?"
"oii! Big baby! don't keep playing be more serious...."
"Are you suppose to act like this with them at this age?"


(-_-!!!) Get what i mean? Just because i'm past the ten-ish age I'm suppose to act like a middle age man? sigh.... The family is so traditional... but they are family. (What to do?)

The family isn't really big on the B'Day thing once u reach the age 10. To them, the day of your birth is just another day or if they want to celebrate it they will throw a big eat out and inform everyone weeks before the actually date.

In my family wishing each other B'day will sparks awkwardness....haha
Even my mum also had an awkward moment wishing me on my B'day, she went like, " Oh!*with a look of surprise* Almost forgot to wish you Happy Birthday..." (lame right? but at least she put effort in it and tried).

So almost like any other year..my B'day was once again forgotten..haha..realy..but I dont mind..
Normally the occasion would be I'm the one buying the cake & my family will ask whose B'day was it?
...A little dissapointed i answered,"err.. mine?". They looked at me with that looked as if they just saw superman flew past and scolded me somemore, "Eh! why never tell me earlier? I didn't know la".
(Didn't remember still scold me T-T)  

The one's that actually remembered made me even more disappointed...
"See at least *Nisfu (younger sister) who remembered* know when is my birthday..."
She replied, "actually I also forgotten one, just saw in ur friendster screen at the last minute".  
*A dagger stab me in the heart*


But still I had few good memory on my B'day celebration like the one when a bunch of friends try to assemble 12 pieces of cakes into one cakes in Secret Recipe's, ambushing me at my house when I skip school on my Bday & that time when my family & an uncle neighbour arrange surprise party at the Taa'bas Village (Middle east restaurant) that nearly make me faint with embarrassment as the waitress came in singing & holding the cake.
* I dun like to be centre of attention..u see..hehe..(myself being an anti-social old hag (0.o)..)
also all the beautiful memories of B'day party from when I was small..
& simply all the wonderful memories through thick & thin since the day my mom brought me into this world..
I don't care if people forget bout my B'day as long they hold my existence close to their hearts..
for I meant to be something to them ( dear one ) as they had been to me
*ceh....blushing (^.^)/ ...getting bashful..

Owwhh...like all the people who forgot my B'day which had been overshadow by Hari Raya..
I also almost forgot to wish everyone hepi hari raye..
maap zahir batin..atas segala kesalahan, makan n minum, n sume ter2 tuh...
kita buka buku baru eh..0-0...

Another year older & hope to be more wiser..
In forgiving and forgetting...(which I always do)..huhu






Friday, September 18, 2009

Not to worry..its just another coccon phase b4 one can fly high..huhu!!

Sms..

Heyy..stubborn girl!! I dont like it when u r putting on dat kind of face. Do tell me if you got problem.
Dont pretend u r happy and such..u r only eating urself...& I wont allow that..I noe u always act high
& mighty although u r crumbling down inside..it's no use forcing you to talk..sighh..but if u ever need
sum1 do reach me ASAP ..luv ya

Conversation...

Diba..kenape ko macam lain je lately...?!!..Mmg la dasarnye sama tp pelik la..pokoknyer ko mmg pelik
dr biase...double extra ordinary pelik...

Ym....

Dear!! Are u ok? Whats up with all that weird shout out?! Wanna tell me something? Come on..cry it
out & let me be ur comfort even if u refuse to say a word..


Hahaha..am I that different? How can they tell? Well, I have been receiving this kind of treatment lately.
Pliss...pliss...dont worry over me..Im doing fine..really.. (^o^)v...However, I really appreciate all d support
ok?!!...I think if all d support I receive came in term of money..I'll be rich by now..hehehe
Thanks a million lot & just let me be...I 'll make it my own way no matter how hard things could get...


This is a tribute to all my friend ;

"A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared; he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.Then it seemed to stop making any progress.It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further.

Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shrivelled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with swollen body and shrivelled wings.

It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand that the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were the nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon."

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

You have stumbled and fall before.Now its time to fly.
With beautiful and charming wings, that's what you are.



 

Fly high, fly with style.
Be a butterfly roaming the sky.
 

My blog is mouldy..

I can see mushroom sprouting.....

Monday, September 14, 2009

Hellish weekend....but a fruitful one....in the end

It seems like ages since the last time I put up a post..
Reason being...Im pretty tight up lately..very..
..might as well choke myself off..
Huhuhu...and now Im back again..
*applaud*

Its been a hellish weekend for me..
in fact it's been a hellish month
...that Ive gone throuh...

...yeahh...
things were very rough around me..
&so is so..I go through just fine..


...you noe...
I'm used to stand up firm...
even at the limit of breaking down..
that might be the most proper thing bout me..
but still this weekend..it become fruitful

although very tiring..
still at the end everyone was happy..
that's what matter to me..

Im talking about kueh raya preparation here..
that had much more significant meaning behind it..
as for me if not for you..

Tart nenas is not just a simple tart..
Sweet & sour just like the taste of life..
Biskut sampan might be colourful..
as such the colour of life..
It's black, it's green, it's red n yellow..
Kuih siput n kacang goreng..
although looks brown,simple n crunchy..
who knows how hard can the preparation be..
believe me..
(I've got blister on one of my finger sbb kupas kacang)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Crazziness..urgently need professional help!!

I’m so not in the mood today. I don’t know what’s wrong but the day starts off beautifully… at least..I think so. Nice weather, waking up early, delicious breakfast, roll back into bed, wake up late in the afternoon, take bath, watch tv, streaming the internet without any particular motif. Its been the same routine for almost 3 weeks, well of course in between that I have my day out.

I guess I’m just bored and my semester break plan ended up in total mess. Lucky, the semester break had almost end. I’m gonna drive myself crazy if my life continue like this. Well, I can’t blame anyone either and it looks like somehow it is my fault. I quit my job just for the sake that I’m not happy with it. Well, they may call I’m stupid but somehow I don’t see any wrong in that. It’s me whose been working out my butt!! So I have every right to decide on what to do…whether to go forward or pulling it off. Why did you want to keep on working on something that turn you miserable? Sigh….why did everyone keep getting in my way……

I wanna take on other job after resigning but then say hi to another setback. I can’t or may I say I’m being indirectly force not to take other job… and so that’s why I’m spending my semester break like an old hag. This drawback kinda life had finally taking a toll on me. Gosh…what’s wrong with me?

I guess I’m not just bored but I’m frustrated as well. But, of what?

Frustration do not lingered only just for one time insignificant annoyance. Inversely it is being drag and build up through all the accumulated miff you had experience all your life.

It might sound like repentance but it doesn’t mean that I’m regretting my life. No, I had a good life. It’s just that I had a few regrets. Sometimes I can’t help pondering how things can be now if I’ve done everything my way, my wish. Why did I have to satisfy everyone? Why did I always held back?

I guess now it’s not just cause by boredom , and not just frustrated either but I’m sick of listening to others. I’m sick of hearing the word..don’t do that, do this instead….no, that’s wrong ..u should be..or whatever it is. Soon, after taking up this advice from this self-proclaim altruists we gonna realize that what we had expect at the age o 19 might not turn out the way they claim it should be when we reached 29. Only then you realize that you already stuck in this sticky situation.

What is there about this altruism thing..? Am I turning out to be one? Hope not. Gosh…and I guess they won’t tell the same thing if it’s their life which is at stake. And now when I’m almost entangled by listening to them and I wonder how on earth would they react if they know? Applauding? The words still ring freshly and now I can hear the applaud loudly…

Shoot me…my ears hurting…can’t stand the sound anymore….

I’m getting crazier day by day…atypical depression...juz dun ask why..??!! The symptom is there - excessive mood positivity, weight gain, increased in appetite, hypersomnia, sensation of heaviness in limbs (lazy)...haha..juz waiting for social impairment to occur..sigh......

Need to lead more purposeful life in future than maybe I’ll be happier…

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Bab* or khinzir...heck..what's the different??!!

I think this kind of topic are rather off for discussion but ; still I was call to share with u lots..

Alrighty, the stories goes like this ....on last weekend two of my little brother and sister are qurreling..

It seem that I kind of cant remember what about it...

U noe ...the tipycal things...

they started to scream out like maniacs....blaming, scratching, kicking and hitting each other..

So like a good older and wiser sister I draw them apart and scold.... (well what I actually did is just asking out from quite a distance..hehe..not really a good sister )

“Ok.ok...whats going on? Stop it guys. Who start first?” I asked

“Gemok tu yang mula dulu.Ko try la cari pasal lagi dengan aku,” shout one of them. Smirking. Winning the fight.

“Bodoh. Ko la yang gemok. Dah la takde leher . KHINZIR!!,” snap one loudly and emotionally with tears flowing down her cheeck. Guess the naughty boy beat her down. Hehe...

P/S : Mind you. They had just have been hoal over the coals for using the words babi the day before..Tak serik-serik jugak ..adooii!!

Well at this last word of KHINZIR I cant help but laughing out hilariously...

My thought went like...;” Wow..sopannyer!! What the heck?! It does’nt matter whether its b*bi or khinzir. Come on !!”

A curse is still a curse no matter how you twist the word. It is your intention,the situation that cause you to use it and the way you pronounce it that make a word turn into a curse.

Still, I cant help but feel a little overwhelm by both little brat. Huhu..leaving me with awe because I cant really use that kind of word no matter how angry I can be. The far I could go is normally bodoh and I cant help saying it with a little bit of guilt.

Far worst than bodoh.. I might use bengong or bangang. And very rarely or occasionally I said the word f*ck out of mischief but never with rage.Huhu..

I dont really know how to curse out of respect to my parents and there is another bit of reasoning beside that but naturally I just hate harsh words!! So..how in the world that the two little brat with the same upbringing as me can curse much better than me....?! Weird la..huhu..

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Value of money..!!??



Putting back the sense in your
purse!!!
What does money values nowadays...?
Well as a matter of fact I does think that the value of money is too little to be bargain for.
Huhuhuhu, Im actually broke at this very moment..
People..join me & let's check out the sum of fortune I had in hand right now..
Umm.. Ive got about 10 bucks in purse..with two of my atm card already at its limit..
(atm card and not credit card ok..heard me correctly!!)
...& no other saving or watsoever..

So mom..dad.. just kindly give away ur money to me daily!! (Hahaha..useless daughter)
Luckily, the semester is already at near end..
Darn...how did I ended up in total mess??
Well, I noe..I noe..
no one to blame except myself, me...& me..,me again.me.me.me.me.me.me.meeee!!
As an example I went on a frenzy movie spree just this very Monday!!
...doing marathon for 3 movies..frm 4.30 to 11.00.. (x all legal!!)
...wooohoo...looopy me!!...
(gratitude to midvalley & gsc for sucking up every last note in my purse!!)

Conclusion people... - Damage control....!!
...As now onwards, I decided today that I'll not to be tempted again..!!
..in watever form the temptation comes...
..either in advertisement form or human friends
like form .. (lurve my friends tho!!)
..spending money recklessly is a big no-no from now on..
..dun ask why??.. Im completely broke ok!!..

Sometimes ago someone did send me an sms that sounds like this..
"You are what you spend your money on"
..owwhh,please.. its not really true cause if so I'm a complete entertainment-freak-selfish-brute!!
..and Im not...
..to tell the truth I picture myself as someone nice, friendly & a bit crazy sometimes..
...don't you think so?!!..hahahaa (perasan giler)

Solution people...- saving and turning up an extra income!!






Sunday, March 29, 2009

Earth Hour : Purely symbolical acts and what it signifies?!!!

Lighten up or darken down, whichever takes your fancy??!!....
It's symbolical, but that's not all.

Turning the lights off for an hour last Saturday at 8.30pm is a small, simple act that is easy to publicise and the results is highly visible to be observe. And, best of all, WWF had claim that the action makes a positive and even measurable contribution to the core issue – reducing emissions.
Sounds great haaaa...???!!!!
But does it really reduces the emissions of the green house effects???
This had kept me wondering for last night when I lost in thought watching the lights goes off from the prided skyscraper of KLCC....(not mentioning I'm surfing internet outside the balcony during that time..obviously x participating in earth hour) Hahahaha......kantoi...!!!! But what's wrong with that?

Well, my act does state what I feel about this issue. Come on guys...this whole campaign is just a symbolical act.
So don't curse me for not voting.
But then again this symbolical acts makes me thinking what is the relevance and significant of those act??

On my own account, I just dont do it for the fact that I realy..realy..hate darkness.
Call it selfish or what but darkness is one thing that i can't cope with....
(thinking bout the boogey man whose lurking around get on my nerves...SPOOKKYY)
Personally I detest earth hour as
darkness evokes feelings of danger and insecurity.
Plusss....I personally think that by switching off light does'nt really help reducing watever they were claiming.
Do u really think that one hour does change the state of our worlds right now?
By switching off the light can the global warming be stop?
Does the emission of CO2 be reduces?
Does it put back the lives of the trees that has been cut down?
Does it going to prevent the melting of the ice cap in the North & South poles?

Personally, the answer is no....hahaha..unless we make it longer...let say one day (now..that really is sumthing)
As for only one hour the.... power industry and big industry will keep their production as they always keep spare capacity that will keep their turbines spinning......( tenaga simpanan la yek secara mudahnye)
Conclusion, if the industry had'nt be stop or control then how we r going to reduce watever that we want to???

None the least, this earth hour thing
really does reduce the power consumption ?!!
That a fact that cant be deny...but how much can we save in just one hour....obviously not much right!!!
But the one thing I like about this earth hour thing is that for some of us it open the oppurtunity
to appreciate the awesome beauty of the starry night sky......(only if the rain not pouring down!!!)
........Hehehehe...does'nt that increase the romantics side of a person......:>
As addition, that one hour might educate our younger generation
( older one like me is already to condemned to be fix....hahaha)
to reflect our growing "need" to turn on lights and appliances.

Soooo...
in term of public awareness...we might realize we really don't need to use so many or to use them so often.

Yeeeeaayy..would a day come where we can be free from electricity ???!!
Yet better...maybe a few of us will re-discover the joys of conservation for a short...
while having no television to turn on at the flick of a switch.

I suggest we make it a day...no a week, not an hour!!!!!

This maybe only a symbolic vote....
but it is a vote that has some tangible effect!!!!
this is a unifying act that demonstrates the strength of individual feeling....

Big applause for those parcipitating in Earth Hour and booooo to myself!!
But still ignorance is better than indifference right
(try sticking up the wet thread..!!..huhu)
Thats all & c ya in next update!!















Conquering the world with apathy and words!!!

Finally, after all the wishy washy thought of starting my own blog..I finally made one....!!!
Pheeeeewwww!!??
Okies, peeps!! Here goes my very first post..!! Actually, I dun have anything to tell currently so just brace urself with my complete craps..!! Watch out people coz I just bout to deliberate cranky and crappy tales for ur reading. Warning people, dont judge the spurs of words appearing on ur screen coz its juz my honest thought. Juz stop reading if u dont like it ok??
Hahaha..OMG, I lurve doing this!!
How Im going to explain my feeling at this state as I typing out the words...??
...well its like..did u ever remember back when u r small u used to be very happy with very simple act such serving urself with a huge ice cream cone or perhaps a bar of chocolate??
..the very sweet smell and yummy sensation that affects ur nerve and brain making u happy and cheerfull all day long..??
..& that people..., is my feeling at current state!!
unfortunately..not for long..!! u noe bout the ice cream & sweet - toothache!!!!! (aauucchhh)
..so the same goes for the blog..it cant make me happy all the time so there is a time where I
will stop posting up mw words and thought for awhile...
..cant really tell the reason..maybe Ill be away..maybe Im getting bored of it..maybe i dont have anything to write on..maybe there is no internet line...maybe Im tired of it...maybe i've been busy...maybe....etc..etc...etc..etc...
See...??? There is thousand possibilities, cant really be the same reason..

But I do hope that I'll constantly and continuously posting up my words up here..!!!!

As this is my firs post lets just make it short.
Dont wanna tired u out ...
First impression last forever right (hahaha..poyo jek:>)

Actually I wanna keep on writing but had been taken over by apathy laaaa...
ngantuk sudah......wanna go sleep..

Hahaha...actually to be frank I dun really care if no one reading up my post or visiting my blogs coz the real reason why I start this blogging this is because.....

...I had double personality as I'm quite a reserved and shy in person so most of the time I'll suppress my feelings and thoughts....
..once in awhile I need to resurface the hidden me (a hideous me)..of coz not in front of anyone..
..so i thought why not everytime I wanna tell bout the untold story I go blogging...
..so i thought why not everytime Im frustated I told someone through blogging..
..so I thought why not everytime I feel like sharing my feeling, thought and stand.....u noe laa!!

seee??!!
Its quite a goood way to let out the unspoken words hidden inside me in a form of another me..
I dun really think u people understand wat Im talking bout!!
My words looks like Im talking to myself...iz it?!!! uuhh..eerr..

FREAKY MEEEEE!!!


ok2..enough of it..
Should end this by now!!
Tc and see u in the next update!!
But b4 that sorry for the unperfect english(kind of berkarat aleady..haha) and also for the non grammatic sentence that emerge into a grandma like noisy chatter!!
See yaaa...